Dream

Even through these strange hours,
I see you in the twilight's lore,
Drowning in my blackened blood,
As my heart beats again once more.

Love, fragile, and once again shattered,
with fractals inhaled, happiest, in a reverie.
Moving on, a mediocrity, til dusk draws,
And constructs us subconciously.

Blissfully, I am standing beside you,
Knowing, inside of me, a growing curse.
One of ages past, tormenting me,
And which no such cure could reverse.

In this fabricated state you're perfect,
Unable to convey hurt that burrows deep.
Nor I, in my charming delusion,
But we cannot escape truth, post sleep.

Damage to undo

There is so much damage to myself that I have to undo. I've been trying for a while now, but I just can't muck up the motivation. I'm doing my best though... I've spent a whole weekend being reclusive. I've been like this for a while, but hopefully things will get better soon. I'm slowly making my way... I also need to compress my stomach back because it has plopped out quite a bit in the last year or so... I can't wear some of my clothes comfortably anymore. I've been prepping my body for my workout redux. Hopefully this year I'll be able to break the cycle again.

Emotionally Unstable

I wish I could just gut the scorpio-ness right out of me. I can never get over the hurt in me, I think I'm one of the most emotionally unstable people I know... I try to hide it well but I can't help this constant feeling of sadness in me. I wish I could get over it, I really do, but I just can't help how my body feels.

To the edge of the world.

So I've started running again, I feel great, but still not comparable to me in my top shape. But, hey, better late than never right? Anyway, things are mediocre these days, nothing really new has been going on, but at least nothing bad is happening to me lately. So I guess, I'll just continue to go with this easy going mundane thing I call life, at least, for now.

Also, I'm happy to say, that I've been drug free for 30 weeks now. I think that's quite an achievement... I know the first few weeks of me quitting were the hardest because it kept running through my head. Today, however, I can safely say I don't need it, nor do I think about it, other than how I've quit.

Next year, my goal is to just stay positive, and continue to get back into shape. Hopefully things will go well, I mean these last 2 years have been slowing getting better. There are certain people who are completely out of my life now, so that's kind of good for my emotional well being I guess.

Motivational Rehab

I think if I push out the crazy people with underlying "complexity," who make this already meaningless life more depressing, I can start to feel myself normalizing again. It's like there's a flower in me that withers when my life gets complicated due to outside forces that I cannot control. If I just accept things as they are and keep it simple, it starts to bloom once more, and that in turn, makes me feel at ease. I sometimes get into existential philosophical mode, but who doesn't? I can't help feeling the way I do sometimes, but I can control the gate that allows outside forces to mess with my "chi" so to speak. Anyway, things are looking better lately, and I'm starting to TRY and get back into shape. I really dicked up my health this year, but at least I'm making an effort to fix things back. I am about 6 months off of weed, which is amazing... now I just need to slowly remove the things that affect my physical well being...

In other news, I'm finally over this one girl who kind of broke my heart a few weeks ago. I still think about her from time to time, but it's not that bad. I'm over feeling sad over things like this, I think I'm better off alone anyway... I mean, I've got my life to live, and I cannot be inconvenienced by other people toying with my emotions. I'm going to be six and twenty in a matter of days, so I'm going to try and enjoy my twenties while they still last.

Inconvenienced

So over the weekend, I lost my driver's license ID... I've been feeling bad all weekend because of it, and extra paranoid when driving. Fortunately I have a temporary license now after an early morning visit to the DMV. Also, I'd like to say, the wait wasn't too bad at the DMV. I guess they've managed to make the system more efficient... anyway, that is all.

On mediocrity

Life is mundane... I could write a million blogs about the daily mediocrity I call a life, but what would be the point right? Actually, to tell you the truth, I have a small black book that I do write in, and a large notebook as well... but half the time, it's the same broken record player talking about how life is boring, blah blah blah... I really need to put myself to better use, especially since I'm not getting younger anytime soon. This year, maybe things will be different... (that is, if I dare put a little more effort and motivation into things.)

I often wish something would happen, but I highly doubt it. Sometimes I wonder if the so called "laws of attraction" that I believed in the naivety of my youth, even existed... or perhaps I always just wanted things to happen, but as I grow older, I realize... everything is so chaotic that the small chances of things happening to me may never be evoked... I guess one day, I'll just have to push myself into making things happen or I'll just end up wasting my life away like I always do...