LIFE UNFILTERED

Dream

2012-02-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

Even through these strange hours,
I see you in the twilight's lore,
Drowning in my blackened blood,
As my heart beats again once more.

Love, fragile, and once again shattered,
with fractals inhaled, happiest, in a reverie.
Moving on, a mediocrity, til dusk draws,
And constructs us subconciously.

Blissfully, I am standing beside you,
Knowing, inside of me, a growing curse.
One of ages past, tormenting me,
And which no such cure could reverse.

In this fabricated state you're perfect,
Unable to convey hurt that burrows deep.
Nor I, in my charming delusion,
But we cannot escape truth, post sleep.

Damage to undo

2012-02-13T00:27:00.000-08:00

There is so much damage to myself that I have to undo. I've been trying for a while now, but I just can't muck up the motivation. I'm doing my best though... I've spent a whole weekend being reclusive. I've been like this for a while, but hopefully things will get better soon. I'm slowly making my way... I also need to compress my stomach back because it has plopped out quite a bit in the last year or so... I can't wear some of my clothes comfortably anymore. I've been prepping my body for my workout redux. Hopefully this year I'll be able to break the cycle again.

Emotionally Unstable

2012-02-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

I wish I could just gut the scorpio-ness right out of me. I can never get over the hurt in me, I think I'm one of the most emotionally unstable people I know... I try to hide it well but I can't help this constant feeling of sadness in me. I wish I could get over it, I really do, but I just can't help how my body feels.

To the edge of the world.

2011-12-20T17:04:00.002-08:00

So I've started running again, I feel great, but still not comparable to me in my top shape. But, hey, better late than never right? Anyway, things are mediocre these days, nothing really new has been going on, but at least nothing bad is happening to me lately. So I guess, I'll just continue to go with this easy going mundane thing I call life, at least, for now.

Also, I'm happy to say, that I've been drug free for 30 weeks now. I think that's quite an achievement... I know the first few weeks of me quitting were the hardest because it kept running through my head. Today, however, I can safely say I don't need it, nor do I think about it, other than how I've quit.

Next year, my goal is to just stay positive, and continue to get back into shape. Hopefully things will go well, I mean these last 2 years have been slowing getting better. There are certain people who are completely out of my life now, so that's kind of good for my emotional well being I guess.

Motivational Rehab

2011-11-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

I think if I push out the crazy people with underlying "complexity," who make this already meaningless life more depressing, I can start to feel myself normalizing again. It's like there's a flower in me that withers when my life gets complicated due to outside forces that I cannot control. If I just accept things as they are and keep it simple, it starts to bloom once more, and that in turn, makes me feel at ease. I sometimes get into existential philosophical mode, but who doesn't? I can't help feeling the way I do sometimes, but I can control the gate that allows outside forces to mess with my "chi" so to speak. Anyway, things are looking better lately, and I'm starting to TRY and get back into shape. I really dicked up my health this year, but at least I'm making an effort to fix things back. I am about 6 months off of weed, which is amazing... now I just need to slowly remove the things that affect my physical well being...

In other news, I'm finally over this one girl who kind of broke my heart a few weeks ago. I still think about her from time to time, but it's not that bad. I'm over feeling sad over things like this, I think I'm better off alone anyway... I mean, I've got my life to live, and I cannot be inconvenienced by other people toying with my emotions. I'm going to be six and twenty in a matter of days, so I'm going to try and enjoy my twenties while they still last.

Inconvenienced

2011-07-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

So over the weekend, I lost my driver's license ID... I've been feeling bad all weekend because of it, and extra paranoid when driving. Fortunately I have a temporary license now after an early morning visit to the DMV. Also, I'd like to say, the wait wasn't too bad at the DMV. I guess they've managed to make the system more efficient... anyway, that is all.

On mediocrity

2011-03-30T16:26:00.001-07:00

Life is mundane... I could write a million blogs about the daily mediocrity I call a life, but what would be the point right? Actually, to tell you the truth, I have a small black book that I do write in, and a large notebook as well... but half the time, it's the same broken record player talking about how life is boring, blah blah blah... I really need to put myself to better use, especially since I'm not getting younger anytime soon. This year, maybe things will be different... (that is, if I dare put a little more effort and motivation into things.)

I often wish something would happen, but I highly doubt it. Sometimes I wonder if the so called "laws of attraction" that I believed in the naivety of my youth, even existed... or perhaps I always just wanted things to happen, but as I grow older, I realize... everything is so chaotic that the small chances of things happening to me may never be evoked... I guess one day, I'll just have to push myself into making things happen or I'll just end up wasting my life away like I always do...

Skying the high

2011-02-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

Never less than 2-3 weeks oh my...

On apathy, sensationalism, and the like.

2011-01-19T17:05:00.001-08:00

When I was twelve, I knew a girl who made up a sob story about how her grandmother was sick and they needed money to get groceries, etc… I bought into that bullshit and gave her the twenty dollar bill that I had as birthday money from my grandparents (which is quite a big deal when you're in middle school, at least to me anyway.) Coming from a poor family, having twenty dollars was like if someone gave you money that could buy you just about anything, I mean, that's what it seemed to myself as a twelve year old. But I digress, On that same day I saw her buying a burger at a nearby diner after school. It was at that moment, (seeing the lying bitch enjoy her meal through the window from outside in the cold,) that I knew I've been played like the fool that I was. I went to the counselor and told her the situation, but nothing was resolved. After that event, I've been desensitized to sob stories, and that twenty dollars was the price I paid to learn my first lesson on deception and the use of ethos for persuasion.

Now, here I am, thirteen years later. Up until this point, I've been scammed and fooled many times in my life, more so online in video games than real life (fortunately, so the items I lost were of no value other than the price of time it took to acquire…) but all these events shaped me to the person that I've become today. These days, I have a stronger will power, and the ability to say "no", despite how nice or easily persuaded I may look… and whenever approached by someone speaking about something which they need a "donation" for, I tend to not give them the time, or interrupt them halfway because in all honesty, I really don't care. The effects of sensationalism no longer works on me, which may or may not be a good thing. I mean alongside with my upbringing, (a rather sad childhood if I may add,) I've become more and more emotionally impassive. I don't know if it's a post effect stemming from a prolonged period of depression or whatever else it may be. Sometimes I just wonder if I will ever truly find it in me to care about something once more.

Yep

2010-07-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

I just realized it's been a while since I posted. I just came back from NYC recently... let's just say, it wasn't exactly a great vacation, but at least I came back feelin good. I mean, if I recall correctly, I was pretty depressed before I left. So I guess it did work out in the end. I just really needed to get away from people around here. So yeah, that's pretty much all I've got going on lately.

200/250/600/250

2010-04-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

This week, I've almost done my routine daily. I'm getting back on track now cause I've gotta drop that extra weight that I've gained lately. Other than that, everything else is pretty average.

Been quite an interesting month so far...

2010-03-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

that about sums it up. I took a 3 hour break on Friday and it was awesome... would do it again sometime.

So sick of being tired, and also tired of being sick.

2010-02-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

So last Friday, I got my wisdom teeth removed, and the pain is not as bad today (though I still taste dried blood at times, which is utterly gross). I guess things are finally turning better, my stocks are going back up again so the worst has passed (hopefully)? Anyway, I feel great because I've done a lot of AS3 stuff lately, and it seems like I leveled up my coding skills once again (or at least refreshed it.) Aside from that, nothing much has been going on lately. I've sorta stopped my work out routine, but I plan on getting back at it as soon as my gums/jaw heals, for now I guess pull up attempts are good enough.

2010 is mediocre so far...

2010-02-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

Lets see, I was sick for a little over a week, and in about 11 days I'm going to get my wisdom teeth extracted... Other than that not much has been going on, though I need to furnish the rec room and maybe get a mini fridge for drinks ;)

Words cannot describe it.

2010-01-10T11:49:00.000-08:00

Just yelled the at my dad... he keeps pushing it, one of these days I'm not going to take his shit anymore and someone is going to get hurt. I'm afraid, afraid of what I am becoming, but in the last two years, too much shit has been happening. The pressure beneath me has finally peaked, and all the years of repressed anger and emotions have been seeping out. I am beyond the point of holding it in, and can no longer control myself, and it is finally taking over. I am afraid.

So begins the new year.

2010-01-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

2010 has just begun, and I'm reflecting on 2009. Last year totally sucked ass, I mean, I've lost the connection between a close friend, my grandma died of cancer, and things just didn't go very well over all. I'm hoping this year things will be better, although I must say I did meet many of my goals for 09. I've compiled a list of minor goals in one of my notebooks, but the question is, will I be able to follow them? I guess only time will tell.

Artocalypse

2009-12-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

I need to get back into my art... I constantly feel a lack of motivation, but I know that there is an explosion of creativity building up in me, I just need the incentive to let it out. I recently drew a holiday card thing, which I think I'll send to Alorah. I think shes probably the only person I know right now that can ignite a spark of creativity in me. I feel like shes the kind of person I want the most, I rarely meet someone like her, whom I find very interesting, and above all, artistic. That's about it... my life is average these days, nothing amazing ever happens here, but that's alright.

I was a hand grenade that never stopped exploding.

2009-11-12T12:44:00.001-08:00

So yesterday, I got to see a screening of 2012. It was a pretty good movie, reminded me a lot of The Day After Tomorrow (of course it was the same director, so no surprises there.) I guess things have been pretty stable these days... I mean, all the stress and drama in my life are pretty much gone at this point in time, and things seem to be going well once again. I've got about 8 vacation days left this year, so I picked a couple random-ish days, though I really don't have plans on what to do on those days, but I guess we'll see.

On another note, I'm back in the green in terms of stocks. My golden pick has covered all my losses and is still on the rise. I might just go pick up a nice gift for myself later this year. =]

Friday Happyz

2009-11-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

So, I've got roughly 4lbs left to lose this year to meet my New Year's Resolution. Not much to report lately... I mean life is pretty dull right now, and there isn't much going on. I guess that's okay though, I mean things aren't bad, so mediocrity is acceptable. At this moment, there's practically nothing planned out for the weekend, so I guess I'll just do whatever comes along the way.

As far as stocks go, VG dropped the ball on me, but it has potential for the long run. IMGG has been shooting up good today, so that makes me feel a little bit better. Thats about it... and I feel special today =]

Mustn't continue smoking...

2009-10-27T14:12:00.001-07:00

...its not cool. Seriously!

Life is pretty dull...

2009-10-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

...but it has its moments. I saw Zombieland last night, it was pretty good. Felt like L4D the movie. Also, got a whiff of the stickyicky from behind, man that must have been good =/ In other news, I'm still debating what to buy. Right now on the top of my list are several things: A new digital camera, a netbook, GPS, clothes (which I don't really need), shoes (Also don't need, but want!), and Windows7 (way too expensive, but I want it.) So many choices...

Stocks... my picks are getting worse for the pharma game, but I've got two golden horses that may take me to promise land, while the pharma picks have become long.

Trying to smile at least once a day

2009-10-15T09:27:00.001-07:00

Life is too short to be bitter and hold grudges... I guess I'll just have to find something else to do. I mean seriously, I think now that I let go of the weight of the world, I feel more free and less stressed. I guess you could almost say things are good now... almost.

=]

2009-10-08T00:47:00.001-07:00

Knowing theres at least one cute girl out there that thinks about me makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Meh...

2009-10-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been not very hungry lately... I wonder why? I'm sleeping less these days too, maybe I'm becoming less human. I really don't know anymore.

On an unrelated note, this year has been great for music... A lot of new stuff and albums from artists I like. Some highlights would be Marilyn Manson - The High End of Low, Muse - The Resistance, and the latest one is AFI's new album Crash Love. Those are probably the 3 favorite albums of this year for me, but theres also a bunch of less mainstream stuff that are good too. Anyway, I should probably get back to work.

A sigh.

2009-09-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today I feel even more alone than before... I feel like nobody really cares about me, but I guess I deserve it. I mean, I never really cared about, or for anything/anyone else, not even myself. I feel like I'm more alone than anything now. I'm getting older, and just more distant from everything in life.

I never loved nobody fully.

2009-09-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

I feel so down today, dare I say, even heartbroken... I don't know why, I would think the catalyst would be Carol's surprise birthday party thing and how Piotr was not invited, but it goes deeper than that. I don't know what to say, I've really been avoiding him for a while because my friends were more than like a family to me, they were my everything... and he destroyed it single handed, all within a short time. Things will never be the same again. Even if things could appear to be fixed, I know I am now scarred forever. The fact is, this year I've seen him change in so many ways, caught him in contradictions, and seen that he is not a man of his word. Integrity is important to me, and his character has been broken by his actions... but this is only just the surface of it. The real damage is on myself wholly. I am not the same person I used to be, and I don't think I can ever be again. I've been not only bitter this year, but also cold hearted as well. I'm back to feeling impassive, and uncaring towards everything I once loved. My heart had been opened before, but he has changed me to something I don't like... bitter, angsty, and even a little depressed. Maybe I'm taking this too seriously, but things in my life are already messed up, and hes compiled more sh!t to add onto the list of things that are wrong with it.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

2009-09-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

I really need to get back to my daily routine, I've been so lazy lately and I think its starting to show. I just don't know right now because I've been kind of down for a while. I'm not exactly sure what the catalyst for my "depressing" feelings are, perhaps its just that I feel tired of my life, and repeating the same day over and over again. Its as if I was stuck in a time loop, except that I'm getting older =[ I shouldn't look at my portfolio either because the more I look at it the sadder it gets. I am a fool to think I could make a penny in short, but I think my picks were good overall for long term, and I can see potential. I guess now I just have to play the waiting game...

I think next year I am going to force myself to go somewhere far or do something. I can't stand my life anymore and whats happening... I mean, I don't want to be old and all like wondering "what if..." so I gotta push myself or I'll just end up as another office drone. I think I am starting to plan for my future instead of living in the moment. I guess that could be good, but having security usually makes me bored and urging to do something.

I've also spent a bit of time reading some old entries from an older blog I had. I kind of miss the good times that my friends and I had, but I guess things will never be the same now. I can also remember the pain I had to go through when I was younger, as well as my naivety (however you spell it.) I guess that concludes for what I've got to say today, hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

Friday w00t!

2009-09-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

So my portfolio isn't looking too hot at this time, but I have faith that things will get better in time. Anyway, its been a long week, and I feel like I deserve this three day weekend. I've actually slept a bit early (9pm and 10pm) for two days of this week because I've been so tired. I wonder if I'll even be able to get to Steve's website, I mean I never promised him I'd have it done this week, he just sort of imposed it on me. I really hate when people impose things on me and try to control my actions, I mean there's a certain line that I don't like when people cross, and it has been crossed many times.

Now that I'm done with what I considered to be the highlights of my week, I am taking a moment to reflect on this entry and thinking to myself... "I sure do talk about myself a lot." But isn't that what people essentially do in blogs? Write about their insignificant lives as if someone out there other than themselves actually cared about what he/she has to say. I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite because I do feel like someone out there actually cares about what happens in my life, perhaps this person only exists in my imagination, who knows. Either way, the point of my whole blog is just so I could read back in the future and think about old times, you gotta admit, it is interesting to see how much you have changed.

Searching through the sums

2009-08-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

So I hung out with Piotr and Nathan yesterday. Although things may appear to be back to normal, deep down inside I can feel that it isn't. I can feel the awkwardness just being in the presence with him even if he may not. I mean after all, I've only drawn that everything about him is just about appearances. Sometimes I wonder if there was any substance in our friendship to begin with... I mean I think back to the good old days and wonder where they had gone, or if they were real to begin with. But I digress, we had a fair night watching District 9 (which was actually pretty good.)

In other notes, I'm fairly excited to go to Vegas again, I'll get to meet Jesse's frat and stuff. They can buy me some drinks since I did that Grundy book thingy, (the survival guide for the newbies,) for them.

MLIA (My life is average)

2009-08-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

Seems like I'm back to where I was last year. I don't know why but whenever I don't have anything to do at work I feel bad. Its not just the fact that its not productive, its the fact that I could be doing other things at this point in time. I mean don't get me wrong, I can be doing something productive for myself right now, but what I really want to do is art, but that requires that I either bring my wacom tablet to work, or go home if I want to paint.

I would also like to say that I've been so lazy lately. I skipped my exercise routine this week and I feel terrible about it, but hey, what can you do... I'm getting progressively lazy and fat again, I need some motivation in my life. I can't believe 2009 is nearing the lower end already... I'm going old and nowhere fast, I really need to have figured out my life by now.

Poast

2009-08-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I re-partitioned my hard drive and reformatted (though the process is not complete yet as I have to continue with it today since I left it on as I was sleeping.) Other than that nothing interesting or noteworthy has been happening lately. I went to shoot pool over the weekend and it was somewhat enjoyable so I guess that was cool.

Today is like my friday of the week basically because I don't have work tomorrow (summer friday w00t!) I gotta clean up and get ready for the camping/rafting trip this weekend. That should be fun, I hope.

In other news, this kid thinks hes a good rapper...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gf7YAf9iDJc

State of mind.

2009-07-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I've been feeling a bit down lately... I don't think I should, but I am and I cannot help it. Sometimes I think about my future and where I am going, but it seems like I'm just going nowhere right now and it doesn't help that I'm getting older. I feel so old these days =_= In other news, I've been slowing down on my exercise routine. I just can't seem to find the motivation or the drive like before... I'm beginning to lose reason to do things, more and more.

I also seem to enjoy being alone all the time these days. I have become more bitter and angry it seems. Recently I've been pushed to my limits, and now I no longer let people stomp all over me while I'm down. I've begun to lose faith in humanity once more, but I guess it was always inevitable... so here I am once again by myself. I guess I really shouldn't end this post in a negative note like this, but I've honestly got nothing good to say.

So today I did a drawing...

2009-07-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

A digital one that is.

So my life is back to the usual mediocrity that it was at before. This past weekend, I did some shopping and got some mirrors for my room (because my vain self needs to be seen.) I also got a couple coat hangers, and file organizers. Also went around that little shopping area in Emeryville.

In other (random) news, I'm currently listening to Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life. I found that cd at home recently... this song reminds me of my childhood. 10 years ago I was listening to this on a cassette in a walkman... then in a CD Player... and now as an MP3 on my ipod touch. How times have changed, and this song still sounds great to me. Perhaps its just that its nostalgic roots really mean a lot to me.

Also, I've recently come to discover Piotr's reason for avoiding us. It was pretty childish, and stupid, but sometimes you just gotta let things go. I guess we're okay now, but I haven't really talked to him, and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends... I've come to the point where I'm not really that interested in hanging out or seeing anyone. I guess I'll always be a social outcast.

Another poem I wrote

2009-07-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

I like this one a lot, although it may still need some work, but for the moment this is as complete as I can think of... Also in an unrelated note, I still haven't heard anything back from "pie" but I guess that's just the way things are now. I don't know whats been up lately, but I've been more aggressive, and openly on the offense... like last weekend for example, I didn't let my dad trample all over me like I normally do, and I got to the point where I was seriously going to hurt someone. But instead of releasing my rage, I ended up restraining myself, although there is now a caved in dent in my room to remind me that I should relearn some discipline.

Anyway, here is the poem I wrote, don't really know who it is for, but I like it so I guess I'll archive it here for now.

Luminescence

Searching through the sums
of countless stars and suns
you will always be
but the quintessential one

My star, tonight I am lost
in a place that I know not
where young shakespeares compose
a million emerging thoughts

But the only thing that matters
is you glimmering in the sky
through a lilac coated galaxy
where the wingless too, can fly

And before this night is over
I'll rise into the depths above
soaring through time and space
seeking my luminescent love

Will you glisten and direct me
where eternal darkness fail to go
to radiance of infinite stars
that only you could ever glow

Because I no longer fear
to travel beyond the bounds of space
I need you close to me
so I'm not alone in this somber place.

Man up

2009-06-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

...And confront me or be straight up. You've known me for over a decade, so if this is how its gonna be then fuck you too.

I believe in loyalty.

2009-06-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to the saying "Bros before Hoes"? Don't get me wrong, I do respect women, but what I believe in more than respect is loyalty. I've never done any of my friends wrong, and if I have I'd prefer if they were straight up with me rather than to ignore me all together. I'm not making any assumptions here (or at least I'm trying not to) but I've got a feeling something is up. I don't really care much though, I mean I'm a perfectly mature guy (most of the time) and I don't have to deal with stuff that isn't my business. However, when you try to involve me, I just want you to know that I won't stoop your level of intellect.

Some people never change...

2009-06-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

...and some do.

Blogging at work.

2009-06-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

So its Tuesday, and I'm at work with a bit of down time. Normally I'd write in my notebook, which is my other half of the blog I'd say... but today I just feel like writing here. I'm currently super sore near my upper back, yesterday I felt ab twitches, but nothing today. I haven't been this sore since like the first time I started working out, which was only a fraction of what I do now. I'm guessing its because of Sunday, I crammed two workouts into one day and that sort of pushed myself closer to the limits, but the pay off should be good (not to mention I feel great right now.) I guess its not too bad to have a rigorous work out because it allows me to have an extra benefit of being able to relax at my desk during work (I must say, I do believe that a balance in things are good and/or desirable.) My current goal is to trim my stomach this Summer, but I wonder if that would actually be possible.

In other news, not much has been happening lately, just shopped for clothes and thats about it... I should be receiving a nice little paycheck sometime this week or sooner if G.W. (one of my freelance client's initials) pulls through. When I get this money, I'm probably gonna save it for a PSPGo, or spend it on either Shoes or Clothes... Its funny how I used to have like little to no clothes to wear (and cared less about it), and now I have way too many (though I admit a lot of them are getting raggy and faded so I stopped wearing them.)

That about sums up anything I really have to say at this moment, I guess my life is just mediocre... Seems as though nothing new that I've experienced really gets me excited these days. Also, just a random note, I still have a big crush on Shira... I don't know what it is about her, but even though I've only known her briefly, I haven't stopped thinking about her... I guess time is the only remedy for my (at this point you may as well call it an) obsession.

It only takes one.

2009-06-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

It always takes one pretty miss to get me all lovey dovey and workoutey again. I suppose thats a good thing, so yeah... I gotta get into shape anyway, and maybe by the end of this year trim that stomach. I should also really get back into my art. Seems like these days I don't spend much time on it, or any personal work. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing with life, but I guess thats normal for someone my age.

Hmm...

2009-05-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

Not much to write about lately... the same thing has been happening for a while now, although I did have a nice chat with Piotr this week. We went to a bar on Sunday/Monday and that was that... I think I've been having a bit too many drinks this week though. By my count its about 6 shots of fernet, 5 vodka tonics, 1 cactus cooler, 1 strawberry mohito, 2 beers, 1 shot of jamesons, 2 shots of jager, and some misc shared drinks... I've destroyed the 3rd pair of shoes from alcohol now.

200/250/500/0

2009-04-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

I guess things sometimes aren't meant to be. In my case its about some miss, who I think I'm starting to annoy, but its okay, I'll get over it.

So, life has become back to the mediocrity that it is. I mean work is good and all, but I'm still left with thoughts of my future. I still have no idea what awaits me when I'm older, I mean sure its working out now, but have I chosen a viable profession? I guess that can all wait, for now I'll just take life for the ride that its giving me. I've also been thinking of going on a spontaneous escape...

In other news, I was heartbroken over a loss of a friendship, and some choices another friend has made. But I guess people will do anything when they are fools.

Emilie Autumn - What If

2009-03-16T21:49:00.001-07:00

So, its March, and I haven't much to say. Life has slowed down back to where it was before. I feel like I may never be satisfied with my life, in terms of enjoyment. I mean I like my life the way it is, its just a bit lacking. I need to find me a hobby or something more... I feel like I'm not being challenged enough.

I've also been feeling a bit down lately, as usual. Not the depressed way, but more so in a disappointed way. The reason being something that has been going on within my small circle of friends. I don't think its anything major, but I just can't seem to express my disappointment to one of my close friends for many choices he has made.

And now finally, the moment of truth... for a long time now, I've been afraid to admit, but I'm a very lonely person. I don't know why but I do find it enjoyable to go out alone, but I've been known to enjoy things that are harmful to myself. These days everyone doesn't have anytime for me, so I tell myself I'm good all by myself. In the past, I was used to enjoying being depressed and feeling down enough to cry. I think once I get used to something it becomes part of me, and I start to enjoy it. That's just the persona I have. I'm loyal to anything as long as it is loyal to me, and it seems loneliness is my best company now.

With that said, I think I'll just leave another poem to be read.

Was It Ever

Was it ever written
that I should forget
the short time we've spent
in the fabrics of space

the distorted reality
that formed the laws
of which deterred
emotions I once held dear

Was it spoken through
ages of new and old
that I may seek
not but lavender cold

where solitude is friend
through ocean's abyss
thine symphony chaotic
campanion to those amidst

Was it stated by rule
through stars and sky
before the amber dawn
my love would die

my dreams devoured
by a rip in time
an ageless gap
spreading through my mind.

200/250/500/0

2009-02-09T23:59:00.000-08:00

So its been a while since I started working at TrueNorth Inc. I like it there, but I do miss Myspace, and my crush. It makes me feel sad to think that Valentines day is coming up and its gonna my like 3rd year in a row without one, but I digress, you can't always get what you want. Just thought I'd post a little status update on my life. So here goes an older poem I wrote for her... Just thought I'd archive it here.

She doesn't think about me,
Or even know how I feel.
But my heart beats to see her,
This I know is true and real.

She doesn't see the way I look at her,
Or even know how shes got me sprung,
Would she even read this poem,
Or will it go like a song unsung.

Does she know the words I write,
are notes of my whimsical heartbeat?
Does she hear the sound of my soul,
or know that she makes my song complete?

I stay up late composing these thoughts,
Wondering if she will ever know,
But I find solace as the next day comes,
And my love for her continues to grow.

Happy Lunar New Year.

2009-01-26T01:03:00.001-08:00

So, things have been ok recently. Nothing much has been going on... just the usual. I wrote another poem about someone, yes, her. (And yes there is a message in the poem, though it should be obvious from the title.)

Before and After.

I know If I could write them,
and put them to lyrics,
this would be my song.

Only because not a day has passed,
without a thought of you,
Since the end of our last dawn.

Think my thoughts are painted red,
to hide my empty heart, blue,
and memories decorated in silver.

Of all memories to reflect,
I thought of gazing into your eyes,
forever lost in one sided love.

You do not even know,
at the end of each and every day,
I would think only of you.

Darling, I'm too scared to see,
if you feel the same,
My heart is fragile, forever.

200/250/450/0

2009-01-13T01:12:00.000-08:00

Listening to "Heartbeats" by The Knife. I listen to this song way too much... I think of it like love @ first sight, only its love @ first um... listen? I've been obsessed with this song ever since the first time I've heard it, I don't know what is it about the song but I love it (the "one music session" version though.)

Anyway, I'm just sitting here recapping 2008. That was such a great year, before 08'; I've never been so happy and sad, I've never felt so lonely on Valentines day, I've never had a caucasian girl approach me, never had a girl play a song for me, never had several girls approach me like that, never been so mean to a girl, never got so messed up from alcohol, never did some of the unspeakable stuff I've done >=], never went to Vegas with friends, never felt such soft skin on a girl, never been laid off, never made so much $ within a month, never bought so much stuff, never had a car accident, never driven so far, never pushed my car to certain limits, never felt so old, never took a class for fun (since college graduation), never written a poem about a woman I didn't have a relationship with, never obsessed about someone as much, and never partied so much within like two weeks.

That about sums up my thoughts about 2008, as far as I can remember at this moment. I would also like to mention that before 09', I've never written such a grammatically hideous run-on like that. =] Now I'm also thinking back to Donnerstag (I believe that means Thursday in German.) I went to my spot in Sausalito again, it was pretty awesome. I love going there on weekdays because nobody is there, and the spot is generally more relaxing. I needed to get away from the city and people really badly. I think I'm going to upload the photos I took there onto a photobucket album later this week, or tomorrow.

2009

2009-01-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

Like all things before, it was inevitable that I would slow down or stop blogging, but this time 2009 has come, and I've decided I will do that no more. I will continue my daily routine reguardless of what happens in life. I cannot let these momentary roadblocks slow me down or stop me anymore.

2008 was a great year, many ups and downs. It started off all good, and then after a while things went bad, but without that experience, I probably couldn't get to the point I am now. I think that a quote I go by is very good for describing this case. "Everything happens for a reason." and so they have. I've grown up a bit more in the past year, and I'm a little more confident in myself now. I'm not as emo/angsty as I used to be, and in general, I'm a happier person. I hope that things get even better in 2009.

As of late, I've lost my gig with Myspace, which is a big disappointment because of many reasons. I love the work and the people. The work was extremely fun and creative, and the people were all very talented. I also had a big crush on one of my co-workers. I wrote her a poem, but she will probably never see it. I'm also very sentimental guy, I've still got that pack of gum she gave me on the first day we had lunch together. I've had a crush on her since the moment I saw her, she is a beautiful woman, but not just that, everything about her is just so amazing. I don't think she knows the way I feel, but I guess a guy can dream. That is exactly what I am... a dreamer.

300/200/450/250

2008-08-22T01:25:00.001-07:00

Well, so far this week I've been back on track with my daily routine, looking at my last entry makes me feel strange. Its funny how I can change the way I feel in such a short duration.

Anyway, here is a little piece of writing I did two days ago:

Our online personalities… a figment of our imagination… an apparatus of our subconscious… an identity that takes life on its own. How many people have read your blogs and fabricated your ID in their own view? How many times have you been reborn into the mind of another person? Do you even know that this thing exists, this creature that is extracted from our souls strictly from the words we write, the words we want to speak but we cannot. The very words that we apply into a virtual world, free to be melded into a representation of our true selves.

One day when the big picture is completed, we will meet this person, but find that s/he is unfamiliar. It longs to exist, to live on as an immortal, but in order to do so, we must continue to feed it. This creature that has an infinite amount of faces… will you greet it with open arms, or will you reject this monstrosity that is our reflection?

They say I'm a sinner, but I'm just an angel in need of direction.

2008-08-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

Don't know why but lately I've just been frustrated at everything. The lack of motivation has slowed down my daily routine... and being angry/sad doesn't help it either. I pray to God that things will get better.

For a while now I've been reflecting on life, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do anything because there was always a lack of motivation. For the longest time I've been searching but I just can't find a purpose or direction in life. I hope for my sake this purpose will find me one day because I grow tired of this, and I can no longer seek something I do not know.

200/160/375/250

2008-06-15T23:11:00.001-07:00

So I just came back from Vegas yesterday. Things are finally starting to get back to normal... I felt a bit sad when I came back but I'm getting used to it again. I just wanted to say it was freaking awesome, but if only we got to stay there a little bit longer things would have been even better. But I digress, that was one awesome "weekend" escape. I need another break from family/work again sometime.

On a slightly unrelated note, I just finished my daily exercises and it was amazingly easy. I was expecting to gain a few lbs and get out of shape when I came back to Vegas, but surprisingly my weight didn't change... and whats even more amazing was that the exercises were done with ease... Guess its time to push it to limit once again! =]

200/160/300/150

2008-05-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

A note: 200/160/300/150 = a stable set that I've been pretty consistant with for the past few weeks. I need to push it to the limit soon.

So, my life is back to its normal mediocrity. I haven't really done much lately, and I'm sorta getting rusty at Tennis again because I keep missing it on Saturdays for miscellaneous reasons. For the past few weeks I haven't done much. I updated my portfolio site www.shermanhuang.com but most the links are still jumping back to freewebs because the site is still under development. But for the most part it is done. I've also done quite a bit of artworks which I will actually post in this blog~! (Although you can also find em in my site.) I'm also trying to come up with more ideas for flash apps and misc projects. I've been wanting to do a little bit of side jobs but I'm not really finding any gigs, so if anyone wants to have like a site done, or have a project idea, let me know. I guess that should be it for this little update.

Another great-ish weekend.

2008-04-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why do I pass up so many chances with girls... I'm such a fool! But the weekend was not bad. I got to go to the beach for a few hours on Sat, and play a little basketball. I passed up a chance w/ some random hottie (what is it w/ white girls? asian-fetish?) because I couldn't stop thinking of this other girl, which I didn't get to see on Sat. I'm such a nub... Atleast I got to see her today, but I seriously gotta stop doing this every weekend and just ask her out already... or give up on it if I'm not going to take action because its freakin messing me up~!

In other news, I found out its the Sakura festival in J-Town on Sat... I didn't even know, all I wanted was to get an air freshener from Auto Freak because mine ran out. But yeah, that was cool, I might end up going again next weekend and possibly watch the parade.

175 /120 / 300 / 150 = my current specs. Its not too good, but its an accomplishment reguardless. I'm just glad I'm keeping up with my schedule, this will do me more good, if anything. I guess that concludes my entry for tonight, have a great day/evening/night, whoever is reading this, if indeed there is anyone. =]

Feeling unmotivated...

2008-04-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yep, as the title suggests, I've been feeling rather unmotivated as of late. I don't know why, but things seem to have gone downhill recently. I've lost a substancial amount of money for reasons I don't want to talk about, and also my credit card bills have been getting higher each month. I've been feeling pretty down too, but I guess thats how I've always been. No matter how hard I try to be happy and steer away from these feelings, I always end up back here, I guess I should accept the fact that it is who I am.

175/120/225/125 = my average right now. (I've been pretty consistant for the stat output in the last few days.)

I've also had a lack of interest in everything lately. I guess that sort of ties into the "unmotivated" part as well. I've been gaming less and less these days as well... I find very little interest in games now, but I still buy them anyway. Everyday just feels the same... and then weekends I play basketball/tennis on Sat, and go grocery shopping on Sunday. Life is so simple, I think what I really need is some excitement.

150/90/225/125 =]

2008-03-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm back. I haven't updated in a while, just thought I'd drop a line or two. Anyway, life has been the same, nothing much new... Although for a while now, I've lost interest in games. At the moment I'm excited to practice some tennis and stuff over the weekend... well that concludes the entry. Life is simple, but sweet.

65/50/150/50 =]

2008-02-26T23:32:00.000-08:00

The topic of this entry is just a personal record, don't try to figure it out! =]

Setting/meeting/surpassing/logging my daily goals have made my life happier. Thanks Nathan who inspired me very much. You'll probably never read this, but its all thanks to you, I am so glad that I've got such a good bro/friend.

Dedicated to Mary.

2008-02-21T12:16:00.001-08:00

So last night, (or this morning in the AM... however you'd prefer it,) I was thinking about the past, because I recently did a look back after I remembered stuff by a google search on my sn. I also wondered about whether or not I was an experiment child, because things went wrong all the time when I was young, and rather than confronting me and teaching me, my parents opted to ignore and distrust me. I could remember several things that were really bad that I've done when I was a kid/teen and the way my parents just didn't support me or steer me in the right direction. For the longest time I've felt depressed and lonely in high school, partially due to these events.

I also thought about how I was treated when I was younger, and that in comparison to how my sister was treated. The more I think of it, the more plausible it is to concieve the thought that I was an "experiment" child. To furthur attribute to my depression, I was picked on in middle school and some of high school. I was one of those angsty kids, who were full of sadness, and hatred for society... As I recall, I was like one of those stereotypical "emo" kids that people label these days. I used to dress in black, (still do but not in the same way I think,) write depressing poetry, and listen to "angry/hateful" music, all the while announcing how much I hated life/society/myself.

My life was sad back then, but I met this person online who helped me get through it. Thinking back, she was always there to listen to me, and she is a part of me because I wouldn't be the way I am without her, so I dedicate this post to her. We're sorta distant now, but sometimes I try to make an effort to change it. And reguardless of whether I get it back or not, I still love her because she made an impact on my life whether I'd like to believe it or not.

Now flash forward to the present, things have gotten significantly better over the past few months, and life hasn't been this good for me since... ever! Its hard to make a transition from the way I used to feel/act, but I'm making an effort, and I'm also glad for all the people that were there for me, and all my friends who I love very much especially Lena because my college years would have been a waste without her, and I know shes always there for me if I need it.

What do I do?

2008-02-19T09:48:00.000-08:00

For the longest time now, I've been purposely cold hearted and distant because I've been hurt too many times by different people (emotionally) and I couldn't bare feeling like that again... Time and time again it has never failed to happen to me in the past few years, but something recent made me wonder if I'm capable of opening up once more? I just don't know, but it feels like something in me is changing.

My blog has been created.

2008-02-10T03:04:00.001-08:00

Its been a long time since I've had a blog, hopefully this one will last. I've been needing something like this anyway. So to start this off, I guess I'll just talk about 2008 since it just begun. So far things are going fine, I'm happy at my job, and theres very little drama in my life. I truly hope this year will be better than the last few. Things seem to finally have settled down anyway. I've got a stable job and good friends, theres very few things I want in life, I'm a very laid back and simple person, in my opinion...

So today was an alright day, I washed my car, then I stayed out in my backyard for a while because it was a nice and sunny day. I saw so many things I wanted to take a picture of while I was relaxing... I've been wanting a new camera because theres so many times that I've seen something that has a great composition that deserves a pic or two... The only thing is that my camera blows and it looks like a damn toy. I need something better, what I really want is a SLR but thats way too expensive. I want to take pictures of things in the outdoor, atleast it'll give me a sense of existance (as I will have documented places and memories.)

On another note, I felt like most of the day was wasted because I had plans of my own which included watching the movie Persepolis, but I had some other things intervene with my plans... atleast I got a few things done, like washing my car (which was very much needed.) I also got to play Devil May Cry 4. I picked the game up on Wednesday, but most of my week was too busy so I didn't have time to get to it. After playing it a bit, I can tell you now, that its pretty awesome...

And finally, to end this blog, I need to mention that someone is a conceited, self centered person. I'm not going to say who, but I hope for this person's sake, s/he will realize it, if s/he doesn't already know. Theres only so far you can go before you push it past my line... There has been many times that I've been offended by this person, but I let it slide because I'm very forgiving. But theres only so much you can go before you cross my line, and you don't want to know what happens then...

I don't like ending on a negative note, so I'll just mention Beats. Its a game I bought off PSN for my PSP and its pretty neat. Its some music game that can utilize the mp3s in the memorystick and incorporate it into the gameplay. Its sorta like DDR, so I'm pretty happy that I found out about this game. Until next time =]

-Sherm